The Hidden Trap of Unconditional Support

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I recently had coffee with a lawyer who shared how she sometimes has to stand her ground and disagree with her clients, not to win at all costs but to avoid amplifying wasteful demands, prolonging conflict, or harming children. For her, her goal is not just victory but helping clients find peace. This reminded me of my divorce lawyer and her associate from 18 years ago, whom I ran into recently. As we caught up, I shared photos of my now-grown son, and she smiled warmly before sharing how she’s been doing. She shared that after all these years, she continues to uphold the principle instilled in her by her retired mentor: guiding clients to move forward with minimal costs and without unnecessary animosity.

This vision resonates with many helping professionals. Divorce doesn’t have to bring out the worst in us—it can be a turning point for healing.

Divorce is one of life’s most stressful experiences, second only to the death of a spouse. It is normal during such turbulent times, we seek unconditional support from friends, lawyers, or therapists. When life feels like it’s unravelling, having someone validate our feelings and stand unwaveringly by our side can feel like a lifeline.

But what if that same support, no matter how well-meaning, is quietly keeping us stuck in a "Groundhog Day" loop? What if it’s preventing us from learning to find the middle ground and truly moving forward, especially if children are involved?

Unconditional support is comforting, but it often reinforces a narrow perspective. Friends, hearing only our side, may unintentionally fuel anger.

Some professionals who are only focused on providing a safe space to process the breakup might hesitate to challenge our biases or destructive patterns and prevent us from rising about the emotions.

Some lawyers, consumed with advocacy, may prolong battles, unintentionally fueling conflict and hindering healing.

Though this kind of support feels reassuring, it can trap us in a cycle of blame, anger, and stagnation.

True healing doesn’t come solely from validation. Growth only starts when we step outside our comfort zone, guided by empathy, constructive feedback, and accountability. It comes from people who process the wisdom and who care enough to confront us gently but firmly, helping us gain awareness of our narrowed perceptions.

It’s confronting to hold on to the belief that we are the only victims in a breakup and that how we respond to an ex-partner has no impact on others, especially children. Genuine help sets us free from a victim mentality, enabling us to see other perspectives, take ownership of our actions, and move forward.

Growth often requires us to face hard truths, even when it’s uncomfortable.

When we’re in pain, it’s tempting to avoid discomfort and surround ourselves with unconditional supporters who won’t challenge us. But healing demands that we embrace the hurt, face it, and grow despite it.

A true friend, mentor, or professional will lovingly push us to rise to a better version of ourselves. Seek out those who guide you toward self-awareness and accountability. When hard truths come, let them in. Yes, they may sting, but they often spark the needed transformation.

Divorce doesn’t have to bring out the worst in us. It can be a turning point for healing. Leaning on unconditional support may feel comforting, but sometimes we need someone to shine a light into the darkest corners of our minds—helping us see how our child(ren) might be struggling and need us to show up for them.

Only then can we grow beyond the pain.